Dear Birds,
In the interest of our future relationship and my personal sanity I feel it is important to address the following issue outright.
I appreciate the difficulty of finding love in this day and age. It is not easy. I cannot imagine it being any easier if you are a Swallow, or a Thrush, or a Dove. Finding a mate is no easy task. Trust me, I know.
I can only imagine the ecstasy one must feel at finally having found "The One." A truly miraculous occurence, no doubt.
However, this does not negate the fact that whilst the better part of your kind are in the throes of springtime joy, there are others of us who are trying to carry on with the general day-to-day of it all.
In short, what I'm trying to say is if we could keep the pre-5am amorous chirping to a minimum (and by minimum I am implying total and complete elimination) that would be fantastic. It's not that I don't appreciate the springtime miracle unfolding outside my window, it's just that I would rather not have to wake up to it before the sun has even considered rousting itself out of its bed.
In conclusion, I think we can make this relationship work. You keep the announcement of early morning lovemaking quiet, and I, in turn, will keep an eye on my neighbor's cat. I also believe such an arrangement will prevent sleep deprivation on my part. This is good for you in that it will prevent me from having a psychotic break from reality which may or may not cause me to throw rocks at your nest come summer. It's your call.
Very Respectfully,
Amanda
Thursday, May 7, 2009
A Memo on Noisy Avian Lovemaking...
Posted by Amanda Lynn, to be exact at 5:49 AM
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5 comments:
If I was a bird, I'd heed your warning....a sleep deprived Amanda is not a happy Amanda.....
I've become pretty good friends with those birds. They wanted me to drop this reply back to you:
Dear Amanda,
If I recall correctly, you don't make any efforts to feed us, which is stipulated in the contract you signed with the apartment complex (ref: Chapter IV sec 8.12) in which you currently reside.
We will continue to make whatever noises we choose to make on our own timetable until you fulfill your end of the contract.
Until then, we'll take our chances with you attempting to throw stuff at us.
Sincerely,
BAB (Bad-Ass Bird)
PS You drive a black accord, correct? Me and some friends will be leaving some presents on your car for you. What can I say. They're tough negotiators.
Birds,
Pretty sure the public defacation negates any and all obligations that me or my neighbors may be under to harbor you in any way. Feel free to take your chances on my pitching abilities. Did I mention the cat?
Amanda,
Apparently our incompetent middleman, that idiot JD, gave you the impression that this is a negotiation. I assure you, in the strongest possible terms, that it is not.
Thus, we have dispensed of him and will stoop to contact you directly.
The apartment complex has given us carte blanche to do whatever the hell we feel like, as we were here first. (The arrogance of you white people, who view already-occupied territory as your own [see: "Atrocities Committed Against Native Americans 1500-2007"] is absolutely dumbfounding.) Us adhering to the rules is simply a courtesy to you.
Go ahead and send the cat. but don't be surprised if he's strung up by his tail from your doorframe the next time you open your door.
"This land is your land, this land is my land" my A.
-BAB
once your negotiations are over with your birds, can you please send your lawyers over to my dwelling to deal with mine? and from personal experience, make sure you keep track of what works and what doesn't - it will aid you when the animals who engage in lovemaking year round start interrupting your sleep. it will make your job easier. and trust me, those negotiations can be a little bit more awkward & tricky.
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